


breathing exercises

by orphan_account



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Buzzfeed Unsolved Supernatural, Journalism Major, M/M, Pining, Ryan has anxiety, Strangers to Lovers, looots of pining, physics major, possible drinking, they go to ucla and its a good time, they start at roommates but you get what i mean, will be more chapters! at least one more, will be warnings in notes before chapter though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-02-28 12:35:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13271571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Ryan wasn't the best with words. Or deadlines. Or feelings. Or Shane Madej. But he was trying to sort it all out.(based off the au "I’m a writer and when it gets close to my deadlines I neglect taking care of myself so you’ll pop in my house every so often to make sure I’m doing okay", college roommate edition)





	1. words words words

Ryan could never find the words. 

It was the most infuriating thing about being a journalism major- sitting down and fleshing out an entire editorial or column terrified him. He much more preferred broadcasting. Sitting in front of a camera, where the improv of insights was welcomed was comfortable to him. In the end, he opted for a more research-based major. That would pay more. Which, in hindsight, was idiotic. 

Not being able to find the words was a horrendous curse. Ryan blamed most of his shortcomings on it- mostly his knack for procrastination. He figured, why try beforehand to write something if you know you're going to hate it anyway? 

This led to one too many nights staying up late, drinking a mix of red bull and expresso in order to pull something out of thin air. 

College had always been rough for Ryan. He knew he didn't take deadlines well, and the mere thought of an 11:59 pm deadline was enough to bring his anxiety to a boil. Being in a program such as journalism, where most of your life revolved around papers and deadlines, he felt like that most of the time. He barely saw his freshman dormmate (which led to a brief conspiracy that he was a vampire, but that was nixed when Ryan met him at the first and only frat party he went to) so whenever he was roomed with a senior the next year, he wasn't expecting any sort of connection between the two. 

The first impression Ryan had of his roommate was: tall. Although Ryan wasn't the tallest, coming up to about 5'10", Shane Madej seemed to tower over him. Ryan took his time driving up from his hometown to UCLA, wanting to avoid the freshman move-in rush, but it seemed Shane was completely moved in by the time Ryan set foot in the room. 

Shane didn't acknowledge Ryan's presence besides a brief nod when he walked in. Shane sat at his desk, hunched over his laptop, typing away at something Ryan couldn't see. Determined to at least be on acquaintance terms with the other man, Ryan tapped Shane's shoulder after setting up. Shane pulled out his headphones and swiveled in his chair to face the other person. 

"Hi, I'm Ryan Bergara." Ryan immediately wanted to jump out of the window after he said that. After spending the entire time of setting up pondering over what he was going to say to the taller man, and that's what came out of his mouth? Shane already knew who he was. They both got info sheets on each other a week before moving in. 

He never could find the words. Shane, however, did. 

"I'm Shane. Glad to know you're not a random freshman who's in the wrong room." Ryan was startled at his roommate's voice. It was low, but not as low as he expected. It sounded cynical, and exhausted, which led Ryan to ask: 

"Has that happened before?" 

"Loads of times. About two hours before you came, a taller freshman nervously knocked on the door because he thought this was his room and his key card wasn't working." Ryan lightly chuckled at that, Shane flashing him a smile. It seemed this year would be different. 

\---

The first time Ryan got really bad was two weeks into the semester. He was writing a column for the school's online newspaper, which besides the scare number of people who read it, he was still petrified of his work being good enough. Using the Keurig shared between the both of them, Ryan shuffled over and started to make himself another cup of coffee. At 3 in the afternoon. Shane quirked his eyebrows in Ryan's direction, assuming some comment from the shorter man. Ryan noticed Shane's interest and turned towards him, stirring creamer into his coffee. 

"Don't ask." 

"I'm going to anyways." Ryan huffed. If there was anything he learned about Shane in the three weeks he's gotten to know him, it's that he's resilient. Sure, Ryan could continue to not speak, but he knew Shane could coax it out of him eventually. There was a small part of him that was happy to be able to freely rant about this. 

"So I'm a journalism major, right? And that means I write a lot. But nothing I write is ever great, which is ironic, and so I wait until the last minute and I have this dumb column due at midnight and I hate everything." Ryan sighed, glad he was able to let all of that out. He turned back to his computer, not wanting to look at Shane's face out of embarrassment, and stared at his column. 

To say Ryan was surprised whenever he heard a whirl of wheels from his roommate's chair, and felt a hand on his shoulder, is the biggest understatement of the year. 

"I have half an hour until I have to leave for quantum physics, let me read it." Ryan hesitated at Shane's offer, as he was never comfortable with people seeing the drafted versions of his work. He still was, but the feeling of his roommate's hand on his shoulder and the warmth that was radiating from it was enough to make him hand off his laptop. 

The column was for the newest Jumanji movie. Ryan had the column fully written, but it was in its early stages. The early stages it should've been a week ago. Shane read it devoid of facial expressions, which only made Ryan more stressed. He desperately wanted Shane to put his hand back on Ryan's shoulder, to say it was amazing (although Ryan knew it wasn't), and… 

Ryan didn't know. Not wanting to go down any train of thought besides Jumanji, he across the room to his dresser in search for fuzzy socks. It wasn't the best excuse to get away from Shane, but it allowed him to clear his mind for a few moments. 

Ryan was startled when the voice suddenly spoke. "Good." 

"You think?"

"Oh yeah, makes me want to go see it. Or not want to go see it. It makes me feel conflicted, but that's good, right? It shows no bias. Maybe just describe more about the plot, because I have no idea what Jumanji is about." 

Ryan froze in his tracks. There was surely no way a college senior, especially the one in front of him who couldn't stop making pop culture references, hadn't seen the iconic film. 

"Jumanji? Surely you've seen the Robin Williams version." Ryan spoke slowly, watching Shane's face not change. 

"Nope," Shane responded, placing the laptop back on Ryan's desk and moving over to put on his shoes. 

"Oh, oh my god." Shane burst out laughing, Ryan starting to crack a smile. "Once I turn this in, we are watching Jumanji. Tomorrow." Only after Ryan felt the words tumble out of his mouth did he wish he phrased it better. He didn't mean to sound like he was demanding time with Shane, but a few seconds had passed so he couldn't add anything on and Shane hadn't spoken yet and so now Ryan was freaking out and was starting to breath heavier and- 

"You're on. On one condition." Ryan caught his breath. 

"What's that?" Shane placed Ryan's computer on his desk, 

"You buy popcorn."


	2. chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back to another installment of "maxwell tries to write"!! as a warning i reference masturbation in the vaguest and shortest way possible, but if that gives you the heebie-jeebies just don't read the shane-perspective part. also partying and drinking is referenced but not explicitly described.

Ryan and Shane fell into a comfortable routine that neither saw coming. They became closer after Jumanji, and since then would weekly see a movie or visit a new restaurant or see a show at the school's auditorium. It all felt… strangely domestic to Ryan. He began saying no to more invites on Fridays because that was his night with Shane. It was an unspoken agreement- they both would "strangely" find themselves free on Fridays and then make plans. 

Ryan explained this to Ned, his Editor in Chief after the whole journalism team went out to drinks (on a Saturday, by Ryan's request). Ned snickered at the new information. Ryan cleared his throat before asking, "What's so funny? We just hang out on Fridays." 

"It sounds like Ariel and I's date nights. Wait wait wait, do you want to go on a double date sometime?" Ned stifles a laugh that eventually came out to be a cough. Ryan was glad Ned became more invested in his drink after that so that he wouldn’t see Ryan's face become as white as a sheet. 

Ryan knew some people thought him and Shane were dating. Ryan constantly talked about Shane, and the two were usually seen together, but to have a colleague, coworker, even friend wrongly insinuate that? Ryan was beginning to rethink the entire situation. He never looked too far into that corner of his sexuality, but with his drunken state of mind, he pondered on the thought as Ned pulled him into the larger group to talk about their latest news case. 

Ryan blames everything he felt for Shane after that on Ned Fulmer. Ned was the one that put the thought into his head, was the one who made Ryan imagine kissing Shane, holding Shane's hands while they went on their weekly not-date nights, the one who changed Ryan. Ryan didn't want to ruin anything with Shane though. He knew emotions like this could ruin a friendship, and he had finally gotten himself a roommate he could depend on. Sure, Ryan had felt feelings for boys in the past, but in those situations, he learned how to keep those on the inside. 

Ryan learned he was still a master at hiding his emotions. 

Until mid-semester, when he made his first slip up. It was 11 pm on a Friday, and Ryan was staring at a blank computer screen for what felt like the twelfth hour in a row. His first major article, having to be at least 20,000 words, was due at 7 a.m. the next day. Ryan had never more seriously considered dropping out of college. He asked Shane the day before if they could hang out on Saturday due to his paper due, and Shane agreed. What Ryan wasn't expecting was Shane to go out to a party with a few physics friends. 

Shane left at 9 pm, and the two hours that had elapsed since then Ryan hadn't been able to keep the lankier counterpart out of his mind. He figured there was no need to since Shane would clearly be gone for a while- or maybe until the morning. Oh God, Ryan doesn't know what he would do if he didn't see Shane until the morning. To think Shane, his friend Shane, was out with somebody else, while Ryan was suffocating in their dorm, was too much to think of. And not being with Shane at the party to make sure he didn't drink too much added another level of anxiety. 

In short, there was no way Ryan was finishing this article. 

At about 12:31 a.m., Ryan took a break. He had managed to write the shortest rough draft in his career (barely 1,000 words, he didn't know how he was going to stretch it out to be 20x the size). He considered putting on his coat and shoes, visiting the fraternities only a few blocks away to see which one Shane had wound up in, or possibly calling to check up on Shane, but he resisted. Shane was clearly fine, and Ryan needed to prove to himself that he could also manage spending time away from Shane. He cracked open 1984, assuming he could read the growing stress away, but he barely made it to Chapter II whenever his dorm room burst open. 

Despite the initial yelp of the door slamming open, Ryan tried to keep as nonchalant as possible, eyes glued on his book. All of his plans were ruined when a small box and coffee cup came into his field of vision after being placed slowly on his desk. Slowly tagging the corner of the page, Ryan sat his book down to see a grinning Shane Madej, face slightly red from the chilling wind and presumable alcohol. 

"Friday night's aren't as fun without you, so I ditched the party and got you the thing you always get from that one bakery and I'm here to help you with your paper." Shane never rambled, but he opened his mouth as if he was going to continue down this rabbit hole before Ryan asked, 

"Did you drink?" Shane had already become distracted, now on the task of getting his shoes off, but still responded back, "Yeah, but only a little. I didn't want to get smashed so I could help you write about the war law thing." Ryan opened up the bakery box, finding a large vanilla cupcake inside. He took a swipe of icing and sighed. 

"I appreciate the thought. And the cupcake." Ryan took a swipe of the icing, sighing before rambling, "Seriously, this is amazing." Ryan didn't mind rambling as long as Shane wouldn't remember most of it in the morning, "I'm so happy I could kiss you." After realizing the words he actually just said to his still shoe-preoccupied dorm mate, Ryan quickly sank his teeth into the cupcake in order to avoid having to say something altogether. Shane finally got both of his shoes off and sat for a few seconds staring at Ryan, as if pondering a question. Any thought must've been set aside though, as Shane was already on his next task, shuffling over to his computer chair and rolling it over to Ryan's desk. 

"Can I read what you have?" Ryan slid his laptop over to Shane, who after rubbing his eyes for a few seconds, began to read. Ryan returned his attention back over to the cupcake, scanning Shane's face for any emotions. 

They had come into a sort of routine whenever Shane would read Ryan's work. He'd read, and say "Good" (regardless of whatever came out of Ryan's head, Ryan half believed he could write an editorial in German and Shane would still say it was good) and then Ryan would say, "You think?" And Shane would agree and talk about the good parts. Ryan liked the consistency, he never got a chance to fuck up the words. 

After twenty minutes, Shane broke the comfortable silence between the two. "Good." 

"You think?" 

Shane looked at the text again before nodding his head, stating, "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it. This kind of stuff if the stuff I don't usually care about because I don't understand it, and you made me understand it. If you actually wanted advice, maybe include stories about people advocating for both sides of the law but other than that. It's good." Shane nodded at the laptop, then turned to give it to Ryan. 

And that was when Ryan slipped up. As if the kissing statement wasn't treacherous enough, but Ryan quickly realized that it was only foreshadowing his stupidity. The wind before the storm. 

There was a moment between the two boys that Ryan cursed Ned Fulmer for. Shane, most definitely over whatever alcohol was in his system earlier, was staring at Ryan less than two feet away. Ryan stared back, not daring to break eye contact. 

"Hey, you've got a little…" Shane mumbled before wiping his thumb over Ryan's top lip, getting some vanilla icing that Ryan missed. It was a gentle moment and could've been seen as strictly platonically, but now both were looking into each other's eyes and it all felt too much and Ryan knew it was his turn to talk and he couldn't find the words. 

Spinning back in his chair, Ryan distanced himself from Shane before mumbling thanks and getting back to his work. 

\--- 

Shane knew he fucked up. Reaaaal bad. 

He knew something was going to happen whenever he declined the second beer he was offered at the party.  
He knew something was going to happen whenever he kept watching the clock to make sure he didn't leave too early for someone to say something, but early enough.  
He knew something was going to happen whenever he went into Insomnia's Bakery and bought dark roast coffee, two creamers, and a vanilla cupcake. 

He didn't know what, but something. 

Shane knew he had feelings for his dormmate on day one. Shane sat glued to his computer, only being pulled away from an intriguing research paper to see Ryan Bergara walk in with two boxes, his face hidden behind them. He was short, but not terribly short, and had arms that clearly indicated that he put in time at the gym, and Shane allowed himself to temporarily fall in love with the man in front of him. 

It was a system Shane had constructed for himself for crushes. He figured it was better to get all of his emotions out of the way in the first hour so that they could be completely gone for the rest of the time they would know each other. So Shane spent his first hour with Ryan Bergara indulging in his emotions, only half paying attention to the research paper and notes he was typing up from them. When the hour was up, he tucked any romantic feelings for his dorm mate in a box placed in the back of his mind. 

After that hour, Shane was pretty comfortable with his feelings towards Ryan. He could avoid Ryan's figure whenever Ryan would rush to throw on clothes in the morning, Shane could avoid thinking about where Ryan went whenever he'd go out at night (after the first two weeks of them being friends, Ryan started volunteering this information to him freely.) Hell, Shane didn't even let his mind wander whenever he came out to Ryan as bisexual, and Ryan came out to him as "confused, but definitely not straight". Shane felt like he deserved a medal for the last one. 

Needless to say, Shane was completely over Ryan Bergara before they even became friends. But sometimes, whenever Ryan was gone and Shane was by himself for the night with scentless lotion and only his right hand to keep him company, Shane let his mind wander. Or whenever Shane was walking back to class by himself, he'd imagine a warm hand in his own, Ryan walking alongside him. Sometimes, Shane would disregard his own system and imagine going on real dates with Ryan, kissing Ryan, doing right-hand things with Ryan. 

Which led him to this situation. Sometimes, he would leave a party early to bring a vanilla cupcake and coffee to Ryan. Not that he minded- the night had been a bore without the quick-witted counterpart to keep him company. Ryan made a comment about the cupcake, and something about kissing- but Shane was slightly too intoxicated to let the words stick. He sat, staring at Ryan from his bed, wondering if the words even came out of the shorter man. 

This was all the precursor to the fucked up moment. Shane let his guard down- he was too close to Ryan, too sober, too tired, too everything- and Shane swiped his thumb over Ryan's top lip, getting the vanilla icing that was so minuscule that Shane wasn't for sure it existed. But he did it. And there was a moment. 

A pause in time. A fleeting moment of "oh shit". Shane should've leaned in. 

He didn't get the chance to. The moment was over before it felt like it started and Ryan was away, pushing himself further from Shane, focusing back on his computer. 

Shane didn't know what else to say, so he didn't. He flung himself on his bed, mumbling to Ryan to wake him up if he needed any more essay advice, and fell asleep with his party clothes still on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooh possible unrequited feelings? emotional turmoil? check out chapter sometime before march in order to find out!! sorry that this is so late to when i said it'd be out, school got busy and plus i started to draft out a standrew fic (which i am going to post soon look out for that). any comments/kudos are much appreciated, i'm always trying to get better!! stay safe


	3. if only you could hold me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With confused Shane and Ryan embarking on finals week, will the two finally admit their love for one another? Or will it be drowned in the coffee they're consistently making? Will Ryan ever finish a paper in one of my fics? Find out in the third and final installment of breathing exercises!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third and final installment. Sorry for the wait, I did technically write this at 3 a.m. on March 1st, but I didn't proofread it at all. However, I am on spring break now! Which means my theatre standrew fic and pooossibly another shyan fic will be made in this time. Thank you for all of your nice comments, I read all of them. I just learned how to respond too! Sorry I am slow.  
> (chapter title from "Joanie" by tfb)

The Moment was mentioned by neither of them after that. At times Ryan wondered if it happened to begin with, that it was the product of his exhausted, delirious, anxiety-ridden brain. But sometimes both would share a knowing or fond look, and Ryan would fall a bit deeper in the hole he had made for this feeling. It lived on without words. 

Which terrified both of them. It was standing at the top of a diving board and peering into the deep, dark water below. Both didn't have the nerve to jump. They were too scared of the ripples or that they'd drown or both.

So the moment stayed locked away. For Shane, it remained in a small box in the back of his mind where he kept all other romantic feelings for Ryan. For Ryan, it remained in the pool of words he could never find. 

After that, time seemed to escape them. Before either knew finals season was in full swing. By that point Shane had purchased a coffee pot for their room, the pot always either full or brewing. 

At 5:30 a.m. Ryan's alarm clock blared through the silent room. After shutting it off more aggressively than usual and rubbing his eyes for a longer than normal period of time, Ryan felt light flood his eyes. Which was odd. He took a moment to get adjusted to it and realized it was coming from Shane's desk lamp, a lanky silhouette accompanying it. 

"Buddy?" Ryan called out, voice still thick with sleep. It was unusual for Shane to be up before Ryan- even during finals week, Shane was the first one asleep so he could be up on time for his early classes. 

Whenever he didn't get a response, Ryan shuffled out of bed, stumbling to the other side of the room to see Shane was fast asleep, a sizable puddle of drool marking his physics notebook. 

"Hey buddy," Ryan called, shaking his roommate's shoulder gently so that he could at least sleep in his own bed for a bit before his 7 a.m. Ryan called his name a few more times, but Shane was out cold. Deciding he couldn't just let Shane sleep cramped into his desk chair, Ryan rolled the chair away from the desk, catching Shane's head as it bobbed down. He felt like he was in an elaborate Weekend at Bernie's sketch- Ryan mentally made a note to suggest watching that with Shane after this mess. He rolled the chair over towards Shane's bed and quickly realized the flaw in his plan: Shane, being the tall monster he was, had his bed on a higher setting than Ryan's, meaning Ryan couldn't tilt the chair to let Shane fumble onto the bed. He was going to have to be more creative. 

It was too early in the morning for creativity for Ryan though, and after a good thirty seconds Ryan gave up on Shane's bed and rolled his friend towards his own, dumping Shane on his still unmade bed. 

Ryan still felt guilty he couldn't get his friend to his own bed, and to make up for it, Ryan pulled his own blankets over Shane to give him maximum comfort. However, in the process of doing this, Shane achieved some plane on consciousness, grabbing Ryan's shirt and pulling him closer, Shane squinting as he tried to make out the dark shape without his glasses. 

"Ryan?" Shane mumbled, and if Ryan wasn't as close as he was, the phrase would've been lost on both of them. Ryan pondered if he didn't actually wake up because the whole scenario seemed to be out of a dream. He was closer to Shane then he had been in months, and Shane was looking at him and Ryan didn't know what to say, he opened up his mouth and oh god what was he supposed to say in this situation. 

Ryan's mind and feet became two separate entities at that moment. While his brain was racking for something to say and break the ice, his feet were still in "tired" mode and stumbled over himself. As Ryan swayed slightly to the left, Shane noticed and gripped harder on Ryan's shirt, trying to steady him but actually making Ryan fall onto the bed too in the process. 

As soon as he touched the sheets, Ryan sat straight up, legs crisscross in front of him on the bed, unsure what his next steps should be. He wanted to be close to Shane, but he didn't want to make Shane uncomfortable, and he didn't want to wait too long to say anything because that in itself sends a message. 

Shane, however, wasn't so lost on what to say. 

"You can sleep. I don't bite." Shane mumbled after a pause. That was the moment Ryan decided that the plane of consciousness Shane was on wasn't a rational one. Shane didn't let up his grip though, and slowly Ryan shifted so he was lying on the bed- above the covers, Shane below them. 

"Only for a bit, I still need to do my morning run," Ryan grunted, trying not too sound too… excited? Was that the word to use when you finally get to have some physical intimacy with your friend/roommate that you've also fallen for? 

Ryan used it regardless. They both started to sway towards sleep whenever Shane said, 

"Your paper." 

"Hm?" Ryan hummed, laying on his side to face Shane. Shane, still on his back, responded: 

"How is it." Ryan laughed, having entirely forgotten at the moment about his paper that was due the next day. Shane chuckled too, and soon the two were quietly chuckling, and Shane slung his arm around Ryan and for once, Ryan wasn't worried about doing or saying the wrong thing. Moving his own arm around Shane's torso, Ryan mumbled a half-baked response about his topic before slipping back into sleep, his mind finally resting with the sound of Shane's heartbeat beside him. 

The alarm bell woke them both up. Or at least, Ryan. It was his second alarm for 6:30 a.m. and Ryan suddenly realized that the giant in his bed had a 7 a.m. class he needed to get up for, and Ryan didn't know how to get out of their current scenario. 

Ryan laid with one arm around Shane's torso, head on his chest and leg tangled between his. He slowly untangled himself to turn off the alarm, only separating halfway to hit the snooze button to hear the same, "Ryan?" from the man in front of him. 

Maybe it was the exhaust, or the proximity, or the fact that Ryan didn't want to have to think of any words that made the following events occur. Maybe it was the fact that Ryan had a gigantic, larger-than-life crush on his dormmate and he didn't know how to deal with it. Maybe it was the fact that he missed his morning run for Shane and wanted something in return. 

No matter the reason, Ryan closed the gap between the two of them and pressed his lips onto to Shane and suddenly Ryan understood why people gushed about kissing someone for the first time. It felt just felt... right. Like they were two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and Ryan finally put the pieces together. It took a second for sleepy Shane to respond, and they sat there for a moment before Ryan pulled away and moved off Shane. 

"I should've asked, I must have horrible morning breath." Ryan offered and Shane let out a wheeze. Shane was becoming more awake at this point, realizing the bed he was in wasn't his own. 

"How did I end up in your bed?" 

"Trust me, you don't want to know. We need to watch Weekend At Bernie's soon though." 

"I may live under a rock, but I've seen Weekend At Bernie's. I was asleep, not dead." 

Ryan was taken aback, never feeling more proud of Shane than in that moment. They were still on his bed, Ryan sitting upright now to allow Shane some personal space, but there was no awkwardness in the air. The worry Ryan was preparing for never came. He felt right. This was right. 

But Ryan didn't say all that. Instead, he said, "I'm so proud."

And he was. Of Shane and of himself. 

"Aww, thaaaaank yoooou," Shane cooed, earning a shove from Ryan. 

"Shut up, Shane." Shane quirked his eyebrow, sitting up fully now to close the space between them again. Their kiss only lasted a few moments before Ryan's alarm blared again, Ryan cursing himself for only hitting snooze before. However, the alarm seemed to break any remaining tension that comes with cuddling and kissing your roommate. Both boys laughed, and got up, and started to get ready for their day. 

It was no surprise around campus whenever people started to see the pair finally hold hands while walking to and from their not (but now) date nights. It was no surprise whenever Ryan finally did mention having a double date to Ned, which Ned giddily accepted. And of course, it was no surprise whenever at the end of the semester, Shane found a job nearby campus and an apartment for him and Ryan to live in.

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first fic I've posted in like five years, so please leave me any things to improve on!! any kudos/bookmarks are much appreciated.  
> the title was based on a lyric from "flashlight" by tfb.


End file.
